I saw a fox the other day. Not from my window but while walking the dog/ They stared each other down until we got slowly closer then she finally took off. A lone elk wandered through the meadow yesterday then took off running. Not sure what she was afraid of, being lone maybe/The apt. complex groundkeepers mowed to far down yesterday, into the wetlands. Hope it doesn't upset the birds that live among the tall grasses. Thanks to a little rain the grasses are green, for now. The rest of Colorado is burning, I hope we stay safe this year. It's hard living in constant fear of fire striking but wow it has been so destructive. Trust in God, that is what I will do.

Snow finally

The flakes started falling yesterday in small diameter. Yet we ended up with over a foot of snow and maybe it will put an end to the fire that has been burning since Oct. The weekend will be nice making it possible for the girls to come up this weekend then after they leave it will snow again. Thank you God for this much needed and wanted moisture as we have needed it something fierce. The white covers the ground with just a little of the tall grasses showing up in the meadow beyond. I love this weather when we get a real dumping and I have no place to be. Tomorrow I must clear off the windows to the car as I am on call, (a victims advocate) and need it to be clear just in case I need to go out. That is a blessing that it snows when I have no reason to go out. The undisturbed snow lays so brilliant during the day and the moon shines on it at night making it all so clean and pure. I hope that this year we get another season when the meadow if full and the snow comes up to the top of the hill. I've only seen it once that way in the last 7 plus years so we are due for a good season of lots of snow. The drought we have been experiencing has been so bad that fires have burnt a great deal of 'real estate' this past summer and fall. Estes lost 21 homes and Ft. Collins over 100. Colo. Springs lost over 100 homes as well and the total number of acreages over the year was atrocious. Hamilton leaves his prints and the dragging of his leash over the distance he can travel while outside just making the purity of the unmarked snow that much more evident and beautiful. Thank you God for the wide range of scenery and views from my window. What a blessing you have given me. May I always appreciate it and may it always be so.

Still so green

We're into August, school has started for many, the deer and elk have velvet on their growing antlers, all signs of a fast approaching Fall. Yet as I stare out the window at the beauty of the blowing long flowing grasses I'm amazed at how green everything still is. Yes, there are some brown areas but the long grasses are such a deep green.

Twice in less than a week two beautiful buck deer have appeared outside my window. Last night at midnight the dogs growls scared me until I saw the antlers of the familiar bucks. Again, seeing deer here has been such a rarity. I have to admit, since they are my spirit signs from above I worried about my children, but heard from them today so all is OK there. Depression has returned to this weary soul and so I trust that the showing up of the deer is a sign that all is and will be OK.

I have thought so much about moving closer to my children as my days spent with them are full of joy and happiness, no depression, less chronic pain symptoms. But the beauty out my window, especially now and the signs from above tell me this is where I am happy. As long as I can still see the kids and spend time with them, they aren't that far away. I need this vision out my window for daily peace. The beauty is beyond belief and I'm just not ready to give that up.

Thank you Lord God for this beauty and for sending messengers of peace to remind me of how blessed I am, and always have been.

End of the Rainbow

Many people call Estes Park a piece of heaven, and I have seen proof of it. We have had what I consider the typical afternoon rains, at least of my childhood. The other day a rainbow ended at the church at the end of the meadow. It wasn't the first time I have seen a rainbow end in the meadow, and once on the other side of the lake. Gods blessings are abundant in my little world and I couldn't be happier here...unless my children were here or came to visit...

Independance Day, 2011

"From the mountains, to the prairies.." As I watched out of my window with the movie/musical 1776 playing in the background, I saw the beauty of the mountains and a wide expanse of long, green blowing grasses reminding me of what the prairies must look like and gave thanks to God for such a wonderful place I live in.

I can't help but cry at imagining how difficult those early years must have been. The decision to commit treason by a congress who were divided for various reasons, fear included, all the while the army led by George Washington was being beaten up by the British military leaves me in awe. Surely this IS a country blessed by the Lord Almighty.

Today we are allies of Britain, we are considered one of the leading countries in the world with the greatest military, called on by hundreds of other countries for help. And we reach out in times of not only war but famine and natural disasters. And we are but a 'toddler' of only 235 years old. Most other countries are many thousands of years old. It's truly a miracle that we are the country we are today and it breaks my heart that we are seemingly so close to be at the verge of another civil war. The dissent among the country and the overtaking by illegal immigrants are hurting us. Is it possible we can leave all that was done the last 235 years ago in the dust.

We must mean it when we sing, "God bless America", say, "One Nation under God", "In God we Trust". This is the strength of faith that our founding fathers had when they braved the decision to start a new country of freedom for all, comprised of individual states, joined for the good of the whole. Those who flock here NEED to appreciate the struggles and sacrifices that have been the backbone of this great nation and respect those who have fled here before. They must follow the path to citizenship, not try to change the laws to allow them the rights without the knowledge and traditions that gives them the privilege of being part of a country they know is better than what they came from. Or stay home, and do what our founding fathers did in their own countries.

It is beyond my comprehension how we managed to come so far in such a short time and how we came to be, at all. We need selfless, courageous men, and now women, who are willing to sacrifice and work like the original congressman were to preserve the freedoms and greatness this country is known for. God, please continue to bless our country and bless the USA! For "I'm proud to be an American...and I won't forget the men who(suffered) and died who gave this right to me.." starting with those men, (and their families) from just over 200 years ago.

A buck in velvet visits

My daughter called early this morning. I'd already let the dog out on the porch as he loves sitting out there watching the birds and ground 'squirrels' plus any other activity going on.

I had just hung up from the call when I glanced outside in time to see a buck wander into the yard. I glanced toward the dog who just lay there, but went out to let him in anyway. The buck just stood there a while, wandered away and by the time I got back to my room, had turned around and was headed back into my view. People leaving from the church across the way must have startled him as he trotted off the direction he had come.

It is common to see elk in our meadow, but not deer. And he was alone, most are in at least small groups. Every time a deer has been seen like this withing my family, it has proven to be a message of some sort from the Lord Jesus Christ, our God. From what my daughter was saying, it may have been His way of letting her know my mom, her Mimi, was and will be with her today and is excited she got her job.

Maybe it means something totally different, but it is a blessing as always.

Spring storms

Spring is officially here, April less than a week away. A week or more ago, we had such beautiful weather and a decent snow which was to be expected.

This last week has been interesting. I wake up to beautiful blue skies but walk out to cold, windy weather. For just a few moments most every day in the last week, snow blew across the window view laying down a light dusting on the meadow.

The winds drove more than a few major fires across the area immediately around Denver, and the dryness and low humidity makes many of us fearful of the fire season that has started much earlier than expected.

God, protect our community from the ravages of more fires this year. Those that surrounded the area last year were enough for a lifetime. Bless the firefighters who risk their life to protect the beauty of Your creation. And our homes.

Spring in the Rockies

We got a little more than a dusting of snow last night. But it was gone by early afternoon. More green is showing up in the meadow and the elk are loving it. One would think all they do is eat! I could have gone without my coat, AGAIN today, and I LOVE it.

I watered my plants with a special blooming food and can't wait to see the green sprouts pop up. Yes, this is my favorite time of the year by far.

A yearling elk was so cute as he jumped over the street and down the hill for the greenest part of the meadow. He's no dumbie! A few others are following him, but something is holding them back. Hmmm They obviously don't realize he has found the greenest patch of land. Better for him. Hahaha

Thank you Lord for the beautiful gift of nature you have blessed me with. I guess tonight we get to see the "Super moon", seen once every 18 years, plus or minus. This is the year it is closest to the earth, plus it is a full moon so it will be beautiful at night as well.

Ohhh my piece of heaven.

Snow lol

I should have known this would happen. When I was a motorcycle escort and head rider, I always warned the guys that following a beautiful day, (in the 70's) to plan on coming in early the next morning to put side cars on the bikes, because we were bound to get snow. This in Jan. - April. Sure enough...

I had to laugh this morning when I looked out my window and saw frost on the ground. Then I noticed the light flakes blowing around in the air. I doubt this will last or amount to much, but it's fun to watch all the same.

The screen changes the view

When taking the dog out today, I noticed something for the first time. The screen, (black) distorts an important part of my view.

70 degrees out today, and the ice I grabbed from the downspout and put in my planters has melted. And there is a little green stem coming up among the rocks. Looking around more closely I realized the grass on the hillside across the road was...yes..turning green. Among the yellow and brown grasses and the mud in the meadow, more green. How nice to sit outside and just enjoy that which makes me love spring more than any other season.

I know we will get more snow this season, heck last year one of the biggest storms came in May. The 'radio' stated May storms have been big the last two years. When the kids were in school, most, if not all their school days off for weather were in April. So.... but that's OK.

The more moisture the more green. And how perfect for the green to start showing for St.Patrick's day! I'd be willing to bet tomorrow I will see even more green. I may even open the windows. I can hear the birds with them closed, but that fresh breeze, the un -'muted' sounds and one less layer of glass to distort the view.

As spring arrives the thought of moving to Denver will probably be put on hold. I'm sure the depression and doubts and sadness will vanish as quickly as the brown grasses do.

Thank you Lord, for this wonderful blessing and view from my window!

Denver or Estes?

I just read a blog by a friend who's nephew died following a seizure. A condition my daughter has. I stare out the window and so love the view, but a part of my heart wants to be down where I can 'watch' her and be near. But.... she wouldn't want that and it's just not realistic.

There is more that tears at my heart. My grandsons. How I would love to be near them to see them more often. I miss them. Even when I am down there, the distance and timing makes it hard to impossible to find time to get out to see them. My daughter- in- law comes up here and though we are much closer in distance, we don't see each other unless my son is with them. That says alot about our relationship. I know this last trip she was sick, but I'd be lying to say it doesn't hurt.

I've been thinking of moving down to Denver, but there is so much to give up here in Estes, besides the view from my window. My doctor, services, life as I like it. And my mom did it thinking life would be different, she would see my siblings more, do things with them. That didn't happen. I saw her more with trips down and days on end spent with her. My brother did take her to breakfast every Sunday, but I don't think I would be that lucky. Maybe, a big maybe, I would get to babysit on occasion, I would probably see my girls more, be their DD, (designated driver) and cab service, but.... the time I would sit in some dumpy apartment would be cold, hard and no open views, no visiting wildlife.

For some reason I seem to be in a 'funk', depressed. As usual, my life is such a dialectic mess. Not a philosophy as stated in the dictionary, but just a contradiction. Happy and sad, content but unsettled. It doesn't help watching the funeral service of a Limon police officer as I will always see any law enforcement as a 'brother'. So many have been killed across the country. A war on law enforcement officers.

Time to get lost in the view I have...

spring snows

Those who choose to sleep in today hoping to 'catch up' with the hour of sleep lost to Daylight savings time, might have missed that we had a good inch or so of snow during the night.

I thought I was dreaming as I swore I heard scanner traffic talking about icy roads, snow etc. I woke up early and swore I saw snow covering the meadow outside, then fell back to sleep. When I finally got up and moving, there were just a few patches of snow outside the window. I had to think hard to remember that yes indeed, I had seem snow outside, covering the meadow. The news confirmed it.

Oh how I love Colorado and it's beautiful sunshine! Thank you Lord.

Rain in March

March 12 and we are getting a gentle rain. I just know we have a few more big snow storms before spring finally arrives. I'd think the animals are confused. Birds are back. I love hearing them singing, in the mornings especially. One was even looking for the seed that has been buried under snow.

Tonight four young elk showed up in the meadow. Rather unusual to have such a small amount of elk. Usually they come by the dozens to even hundreds. Snow and mud lay in the low area of the wetlands. I imagine it is actually rather wet about now. The grass just seems so brown for the elk to get anything substantial out of it. Even with the snow bound to come, flowers should start 'popping up' before long. That will be nice.

Spring is my favorite season. Watching the dead come to life.
Any day now....

Paying it forward

I love my God. I love my children. I love my life despite the sadness, disappointments and 'wishes', for each day I am blessed with the knowledge of His miracles and my lifetime of amazing blessings.

There are things I don't like about myself, things I regret and am disappointed in. But, when it comes to WHO I am, in my heart and soul, I am proud. It feels good to know I care so deeply for others. Some would say it isn't 'good' but unhealthy, crying for others on a daily basis. But, to know that love for others that is so sincere, helps me get a glimpse into God's love for me. I know my love for my children, which seems 'unbeatable', is nothing compared to God's love. I can't even imagine. But I know how I feel when I observe the view from my window, especially on the extra special wonderful sightings, and can feel His love for me. A part of it. I believe I understand and give unconditional love and that gives me a peaceful, joyful feeling. Knowing Him, understanding His love and the love of Christ for us overwhelms me at times. But to know I am capable of feeling a short amount of that love, just feels so good. It's so strong and powerful, I don't think any of us could 'handle' the full out love of His. Thus, in death we are born to be able to comprehend and 'handle that love. Imagine, the love of all those who have loved us in the span of our lives, many we don't even know of, or know the extent or why, surrounding us at once. That is going to be a powerful moment. One I so look forward to. One I soooo want my children to know. Now, and after.

They are so good and loving now, and it causes pain in their lives. I wish I could let them see a little of the joy they will know when my age and can look back on their lives with the feeling I have. Hard to explain, but powerfully happy, proud and joyous for the chance to know what it feels to love others so much. To be respectful and nice and know we made a difference when it mattered. People have understandably grown hard and cold to self protect, but those who keep trying to reach past that fear and love and care, really make a difference. I imagine everyone could, (if they wanted to) admit that someones gentle smile or sincere "how are you?", and responds appropriately when you say, "horrible" has made a huge difference in our life at that moment. Have you ever been blessed to be the one in line behind a person who wanted to 'pay it forward', and pays for your order? Better yet, have you been able to do a 'pay it forward' to someone you don't know? It's awesome. Yes, when it's unappreciated it is hurtful, but in the long run, it still feels so good. Though we instinctively want to know if what we do made a difference, the best moments are when we reach out to a stranger we'll never see again, if at all (the car behind you, a letter to a soldier, running a race or attending a fund raiser for victims of illness or tragedy). Despite what many would lead us to believe, we want to help another. We want to be needed and do something good for others. Selfishly I know that when I do something like that for another, it makes ME feel good. That is my greatest wish, that I would win the lottery so as to go to a home for the vets and hand out $100 bills. Or donate a ton of things to different organizations, hospitals, advocates offices and do it anonymously. Can you imagine 'people watching' somewhere, seeing someone crying or obviously upset, a young mother unable to pay the full price of her groceries and having to start taking item off, when suddenly, the money magically 'appears', or a gift card in in their hands, or a hug warms them when cold.....??? Oh, that would make my life. To see someone smile because of a simple act on my part. To know someones life is happier, if just for the moment. I know those brief miraculous moments, make holding on through the long haul, possible. I know what it is like to see a smile and a bright moment/surprise, when all around me was so dark. I know it can literally save a life. Just thinking of it makes me happy. It can be something as simple as a smile, a handful of change, a hug, a sincere "how are you" that can change a persons moment for the better. I don't need to win a lottery to make a difference in someones life. Remember that self !!!!!!!!!!

Animal angels

This was supposed to be written about 5 years ago. Ughhh.
Anyway, the Feb. after moving in I had back surgery, again. I felt alone and scared, laying in bed, trying to sleep before leaving for the hospital, an hour away. When I woke up, there was an elk lying outside my window. Never before, and not in the 5 years since, has this ever happened. I've always loved deer. But when mom and Mason saw three deer outside the cemetery when arranging dads funeral, I understood God's use of His animals as signs of Gods love. Many times, when things weren't going right, they were to be seen. When "Bucky Lou" was born, the heard of stags, an uncommon occurrence was one sign, I just didn't recognize the significance until much later. After dad died and remembering her birth was fraught with complications. The elk are the animals that traipse through the meadow outside my window. On about 3-4 rare occasions I have seen a bunch outside my door. It always came at times I really needed to know God was near and things were OK. Like after mom died, and the hard days that hit over the following year+. When my daughter had seizures. Now the Hawks bring me the same joy. Again, because it is rare to see them 'up close and personal'. But with the last big snow I was blessed to watch them up close, for many hours.

God constantly is showing us how much He loves us, but our minds are closed to much. I want this lent to be about giving Him the opportunity to show me His blessings and love by getting out more, away from the 'city' (such as it is) and taking hikes into His world. With an open mind.

Dry winter

We had a good snow, finally, about a week or two ago. 8 to 14 inches and it was wonderful. Of course, as expected in Colorado this time of year, the beautiful sun melted most of it already. There is still the crusted, wind driven drift just outside the window. Being on the north side of the building, there are areas that get no direct sun so that snow lasts forever.

But, today it is just brown, mud outside with no animals venturing by. Spots of snow remind me it's still winter and there is hope for a decent storm tonight. We get the worst snows in April, usually. Within days the sun clears the roads and it is just so beautiful. But now, it is depressing. Everyone is so excited for spring to come. The many 60+ degree days do that to you. Then the cold hits and everyone moans.

I haven't raised the shades much more than a fourth of the way, just enough to see if my 'buddies' happen by. I don't need to see the overcast skies on top of the brown dead grasses. Tomorrow I must raise them fully. Any sunlight helps the depression, which is made worse with worries of my childrens health and car safety. I don't know what would happen if anything happened to one of my children. When they were but 'babes' and youngsters, I knew their death would = mine. Now, I understand I must stick around for the other children, but how I would get through it???? Won't go there.

Lent begins this week. How can I be so worried when my faith is so great. God has been almost miraculously good in protecting my children and I am so grateful. My list of blessings would stretch 'round the world', my list of disappointments etc., that would be short and sweet. For each tragedy, sorrow, disappointment has made me more compassionate and caring. That I see as yet another blessing. So I won't complain of anything. Only offer praise and thanksgiving to a God who knows my weaknesses, and strengths. I'm a better person for the trials in my life.

.Enjoying others blogs

I have a new, older dog who enjoys looking out the window into our piece of heaven as much as I do. He was in a situation where he lived in a garage most of the time. In just under a week, he has only been able to see the elk a few times, once rather close. At night, he sees, or senses other things I can only 'experience' through him.

I find myself experiencing life through others eyes as well. One is a lady who is on a journey I have always longed to take since I was 10 or younger. When we would drive to our cabin in Big Elk Meadows, I always stared out the window, dreaming of how I would take the trip on the back of a horse. This lady is doing that, traveling cross country, using her three horses and dog to make it possible. She has had pain issues that have kept her from being able to be as consistent as she hoped, but is meeting some wonderfully supportive friends in the process.

A week or so ago, after the most snow we have had all season, with the cloud coverage laying low in the valley, I was blessed to spend the day watching a few hawks perch on the cross atop the steeple of the church across the meadow, and a lamp post directly across from my window. They would perch there for numerous minutes, watching the meadow for any sign of activity. Occasionally they would swoop down, but except for once, came up empty. I felt so sorry for them. It still amazes me how they normally soar so high in the sky as to make them look small, and then succeed at the long dive down for dinner.

This last week has been the perfect Colorado weather experience, from behind the window. Snow, (not nearly enough) but always followed by the beautiful blue and sunny skies that seem so inviting for a nice hike. Of course the occasional howl through the window, or a step outside is a reminder of our brisk winds that verify the look is deceiving. But it's OK, for to have this view, I can dream and be at peace in this place I love so much.

The elk appeared again

I was moved to send in a story about how one of my sons experienced a miracle and his guts and determination helped him overcome a horrible injury to rebound.

I worried about overstipping my 'bounds' and intruding on my sons privacy though this story is well over 10 years old by now.
As usual, in wonderous and amzing surprise, suddely, the meadow outside my window was full of moving elk. A small 2X4 sparred with a larger 4X5 as moms and yearlings wandered by. At the end of the herd was a 'group' of what we call spikes. Bull elk just a few years old with just one 'prong' or spike on each antler. First time I've witnessed that.

I trusted that to me I heard His whisper and did His will. I don't know why, if or how anything will come of it, but it is done. I had my sign.

You amaze me

How I wish you were a part of my family/circle of friends. My prayers are definitely sent up for Annabelle and her family, yet I continue to be amazed at God's grace and love that shines through you. A single mom of four, so many of your posts sound 'just like me', especially the ones on guilt, others judgments, frustrations and more. What I wasn't so blessed with during those years was your knowing faith, trust and belief in Gods plan. I loved/love Him above all else, but my children come such a close second.

So many of you wonderful moms who have suffered what must be the worst loss one can know, yet go on to love, give, care for others without showing bitterness and anger. I hold special love and prayers in my heart for each of you, your families and Kenzie, you for showing me all ot this. Thank you.

A Bit of History

When we first moved to Estes from Denver we lived in "the Superman House". It was furnished as we were "testing the waters" before committing to living up here. Our son, Kristopher loved Superman. When we checked out this house to rent, the bunk beds in what would be the boys room had Superman themed bedding. The basement apartment would become available and my mom, dad and brother moved in there so as not to have to worry about traveling the Big Elk road during the winter. Mom was worried they would get stuck in there when my dad was out of town. One of the first 'signs' of deer intelligence was after a deep snowstorm. We had a large herd of deer that would feed outside the basement glass door. When it was time to go to the hospital for the birth of our youngest child, Alicia, I looked out the window to see a herd of buck deer, all with large racks. Deer usually are in groups of 4-5 to maybe a dozen or so. In contrast to herds of elk that number in the hundreds. I told my husband if we had a boy, I wanted to name him Buck. As we had a girl, I still nicknamed her or used the 'pet' name, Bucky Lou. Her middle name is Louise. I digress as she was born in the end of April. Back to the large snowstorm. I watched in utter amazement as this large herd of deer, over a dozen, ate their grain. The bucks formed a circle around the feeding area, all facing outward. It reminded me of the early pioneers 'circling the wagons'. They stood watch as the young babies, then moms, had their fill. Then, the babies stayed within the circle, but the does took the bucks place and stood guard while the Bucks ate. It was the only time I saw such an obvious cooperation and "plan" by the deer, or any animal since, to actually form a protective circle making sure the women and children fed first, the bucks later. It sounds far fetched, but I swear it was true. It was a sight that would be 'burned' in my memory forever. I had a long, philosophical discussion with one of my Catholic, High school priests during a class in theology about whether animals had souls or the ability to 'think' or reason. He claimed they only acted/reacted as a result of instinct. Oh how I wish I had experienced all my observations before that discussion. There was one dear in the group that would show up, usually sporadically and in small groups, (only once as the large family group) that we called 'grandpa. He was obviously much older and more of a loner. When he had antlers, it basically consisted of one or two small stumps. Nothing like the spikes of yearlings or younger, less mature dear. They were thick, but because he was so old, his "stud" days were well past and he didn't need the large racks of the healthy, more mature bucks. As you will hear in a later post, the old studs of the herds basically travel alone or hang around a distance from the group that he once may have claimed for him alone. The deer weren't always supplied grain, usually only when the winter storms made feeding difficult. But it would seem that whenever we needed a "sign" from God regarding some struggle or time of questioning, the deer would appear as if directed by God to assure us He was near and would care for us as He did the wild creatures. That is why Bucky Lou was called her 'pet' name when I was melancholy over whatever, because the morning we left to induce her delivery, a large group of bucks were there to see us off. I don't remember the specifics, (time or who found it), of this next instance, but we would often hope the deer would drop their antlers outside of the house. That never happened. Except once. I believe this one stump of an antler was found on the threshold of the basement sliding glass door by my father, shortly before he died. If not found by dad, then mom found it after dad died, about a month after Alicia was born. We would never see Grandpa buck again, and knew he left a gift for us as a sign of Gods love for us. When mom and my brother went to Mt. Olivet Cemetery in Denver to make arrangements, 3 deer were at the entrance to the cemetery. We have been to that family plot a "million" times as all my paternal relatives were buried there, before dad. We have NEVER seen any deer anywhere near this cemetery. So we knew that the deer are/were Gods sign to us that all would be OK and He loves us so deeply. I have believed that God uses wildlife frequently, to bring us comfort and love. You will see this evidenced even more in future posts.