Rain in March

March 12 and we are getting a gentle rain. I just know we have a few more big snow storms before spring finally arrives. I'd think the animals are confused. Birds are back. I love hearing them singing, in the mornings especially. One was even looking for the seed that has been buried under snow.

Tonight four young elk showed up in the meadow. Rather unusual to have such a small amount of elk. Usually they come by the dozens to even hundreds. Snow and mud lay in the low area of the wetlands. I imagine it is actually rather wet about now. The grass just seems so brown for the elk to get anything substantial out of it. Even with the snow bound to come, flowers should start 'popping up' before long. That will be nice.

Spring is my favorite season. Watching the dead come to life.
Any day now....

Paying it forward

I love my God. I love my children. I love my life despite the sadness, disappointments and 'wishes', for each day I am blessed with the knowledge of His miracles and my lifetime of amazing blessings.

There are things I don't like about myself, things I regret and am disappointed in. But, when it comes to WHO I am, in my heart and soul, I am proud. It feels good to know I care so deeply for others. Some would say it isn't 'good' but unhealthy, crying for others on a daily basis. But, to know that love for others that is so sincere, helps me get a glimpse into God's love for me. I know my love for my children, which seems 'unbeatable', is nothing compared to God's love. I can't even imagine. But I know how I feel when I observe the view from my window, especially on the extra special wonderful sightings, and can feel His love for me. A part of it. I believe I understand and give unconditional love and that gives me a peaceful, joyful feeling. Knowing Him, understanding His love and the love of Christ for us overwhelms me at times. But to know I am capable of feeling a short amount of that love, just feels so good. It's so strong and powerful, I don't think any of us could 'handle' the full out love of His. Thus, in death we are born to be able to comprehend and 'handle that love. Imagine, the love of all those who have loved us in the span of our lives, many we don't even know of, or know the extent or why, surrounding us at once. That is going to be a powerful moment. One I so look forward to. One I soooo want my children to know. Now, and after.

They are so good and loving now, and it causes pain in their lives. I wish I could let them see a little of the joy they will know when my age and can look back on their lives with the feeling I have. Hard to explain, but powerfully happy, proud and joyous for the chance to know what it feels to love others so much. To be respectful and nice and know we made a difference when it mattered. People have understandably grown hard and cold to self protect, but those who keep trying to reach past that fear and love and care, really make a difference. I imagine everyone could, (if they wanted to) admit that someones gentle smile or sincere "how are you?", and responds appropriately when you say, "horrible" has made a huge difference in our life at that moment. Have you ever been blessed to be the one in line behind a person who wanted to 'pay it forward', and pays for your order? Better yet, have you been able to do a 'pay it forward' to someone you don't know? It's awesome. Yes, when it's unappreciated it is hurtful, but in the long run, it still feels so good. Though we instinctively want to know if what we do made a difference, the best moments are when we reach out to a stranger we'll never see again, if at all (the car behind you, a letter to a soldier, running a race or attending a fund raiser for victims of illness or tragedy). Despite what many would lead us to believe, we want to help another. We want to be needed and do something good for others. Selfishly I know that when I do something like that for another, it makes ME feel good. That is my greatest wish, that I would win the lottery so as to go to a home for the vets and hand out $100 bills. Or donate a ton of things to different organizations, hospitals, advocates offices and do it anonymously. Can you imagine 'people watching' somewhere, seeing someone crying or obviously upset, a young mother unable to pay the full price of her groceries and having to start taking item off, when suddenly, the money magically 'appears', or a gift card in in their hands, or a hug warms them when cold.....??? Oh, that would make my life. To see someone smile because of a simple act on my part. To know someones life is happier, if just for the moment. I know those brief miraculous moments, make holding on through the long haul, possible. I know what it is like to see a smile and a bright moment/surprise, when all around me was so dark. I know it can literally save a life. Just thinking of it makes me happy. It can be something as simple as a smile, a handful of change, a hug, a sincere "how are you" that can change a persons moment for the better. I don't need to win a lottery to make a difference in someones life. Remember that self !!!!!!!!!!

Animal angels

This was supposed to be written about 5 years ago. Ughhh.
Anyway, the Feb. after moving in I had back surgery, again. I felt alone and scared, laying in bed, trying to sleep before leaving for the hospital, an hour away. When I woke up, there was an elk lying outside my window. Never before, and not in the 5 years since, has this ever happened. I've always loved deer. But when mom and Mason saw three deer outside the cemetery when arranging dads funeral, I understood God's use of His animals as signs of Gods love. Many times, when things weren't going right, they were to be seen. When "Bucky Lou" was born, the heard of stags, an uncommon occurrence was one sign, I just didn't recognize the significance until much later. After dad died and remembering her birth was fraught with complications. The elk are the animals that traipse through the meadow outside my window. On about 3-4 rare occasions I have seen a bunch outside my door. It always came at times I really needed to know God was near and things were OK. Like after mom died, and the hard days that hit over the following year+. When my daughter had seizures. Now the Hawks bring me the same joy. Again, because it is rare to see them 'up close and personal'. But with the last big snow I was blessed to watch them up close, for many hours.

God constantly is showing us how much He loves us, but our minds are closed to much. I want this lent to be about giving Him the opportunity to show me His blessings and love by getting out more, away from the 'city' (such as it is) and taking hikes into His world. With an open mind.

Dry winter

We had a good snow, finally, about a week or two ago. 8 to 14 inches and it was wonderful. Of course, as expected in Colorado this time of year, the beautiful sun melted most of it already. There is still the crusted, wind driven drift just outside the window. Being on the north side of the building, there are areas that get no direct sun so that snow lasts forever.

But, today it is just brown, mud outside with no animals venturing by. Spots of snow remind me it's still winter and there is hope for a decent storm tonight. We get the worst snows in April, usually. Within days the sun clears the roads and it is just so beautiful. But now, it is depressing. Everyone is so excited for spring to come. The many 60+ degree days do that to you. Then the cold hits and everyone moans.

I haven't raised the shades much more than a fourth of the way, just enough to see if my 'buddies' happen by. I don't need to see the overcast skies on top of the brown dead grasses. Tomorrow I must raise them fully. Any sunlight helps the depression, which is made worse with worries of my childrens health and car safety. I don't know what would happen if anything happened to one of my children. When they were but 'babes' and youngsters, I knew their death would = mine. Now, I understand I must stick around for the other children, but how I would get through it???? Won't go there.

Lent begins this week. How can I be so worried when my faith is so great. God has been almost miraculously good in protecting my children and I am so grateful. My list of blessings would stretch 'round the world', my list of disappointments etc., that would be short and sweet. For each tragedy, sorrow, disappointment has made me more compassionate and caring. That I see as yet another blessing. So I won't complain of anything. Only offer praise and thanksgiving to a God who knows my weaknesses, and strengths. I'm a better person for the trials in my life.

.Enjoying others blogs

I have a new, older dog who enjoys looking out the window into our piece of heaven as much as I do. He was in a situation where he lived in a garage most of the time. In just under a week, he has only been able to see the elk a few times, once rather close. At night, he sees, or senses other things I can only 'experience' through him.

I find myself experiencing life through others eyes as well. One is a lady who is on a journey I have always longed to take since I was 10 or younger. When we would drive to our cabin in Big Elk Meadows, I always stared out the window, dreaming of how I would take the trip on the back of a horse. This lady is doing that, traveling cross country, using her three horses and dog to make it possible. She has had pain issues that have kept her from being able to be as consistent as she hoped, but is meeting some wonderfully supportive friends in the process.

A week or so ago, after the most snow we have had all season, with the cloud coverage laying low in the valley, I was blessed to spend the day watching a few hawks perch on the cross atop the steeple of the church across the meadow, and a lamp post directly across from my window. They would perch there for numerous minutes, watching the meadow for any sign of activity. Occasionally they would swoop down, but except for once, came up empty. I felt so sorry for them. It still amazes me how they normally soar so high in the sky as to make them look small, and then succeed at the long dive down for dinner.

This last week has been the perfect Colorado weather experience, from behind the window. Snow, (not nearly enough) but always followed by the beautiful blue and sunny skies that seem so inviting for a nice hike. Of course the occasional howl through the window, or a step outside is a reminder of our brisk winds that verify the look is deceiving. But it's OK, for to have this view, I can dream and be at peace in this place I love so much.

The elk appeared again

I was moved to send in a story about how one of my sons experienced a miracle and his guts and determination helped him overcome a horrible injury to rebound.

I worried about overstipping my 'bounds' and intruding on my sons privacy though this story is well over 10 years old by now.
As usual, in wonderous and amzing surprise, suddely, the meadow outside my window was full of moving elk. A small 2X4 sparred with a larger 4X5 as moms and yearlings wandered by. At the end of the herd was a 'group' of what we call spikes. Bull elk just a few years old with just one 'prong' or spike on each antler. First time I've witnessed that.

I trusted that to me I heard His whisper and did His will. I don't know why, if or how anything will come of it, but it is done. I had my sign.

You amaze me

How I wish you were a part of my family/circle of friends. My prayers are definitely sent up for Annabelle and her family, yet I continue to be amazed at God's grace and love that shines through you. A single mom of four, so many of your posts sound 'just like me', especially the ones on guilt, others judgments, frustrations and more. What I wasn't so blessed with during those years was your knowing faith, trust and belief in Gods plan. I loved/love Him above all else, but my children come such a close second.

So many of you wonderful moms who have suffered what must be the worst loss one can know, yet go on to love, give, care for others without showing bitterness and anger. I hold special love and prayers in my heart for each of you, your families and Kenzie, you for showing me all ot this. Thank you.

A Bit of History

When we first moved to Estes from Denver we lived in "the Superman House". It was furnished as we were "testing the waters" before committing to living up here. Our son, Kristopher loved Superman. When we checked out this house to rent, the bunk beds in what would be the boys room had Superman themed bedding. The basement apartment would become available and my mom, dad and brother moved in there so as not to have to worry about traveling the Big Elk road during the winter. Mom was worried they would get stuck in there when my dad was out of town. One of the first 'signs' of deer intelligence was after a deep snowstorm. We had a large herd of deer that would feed outside the basement glass door. When it was time to go to the hospital for the birth of our youngest child, Alicia, I looked out the window to see a herd of buck deer, all with large racks. Deer usually are in groups of 4-5 to maybe a dozen or so. In contrast to herds of elk that number in the hundreds. I told my husband if we had a boy, I wanted to name him Buck. As we had a girl, I still nicknamed her or used the 'pet' name, Bucky Lou. Her middle name is Louise. I digress as she was born in the end of April. Back to the large snowstorm. I watched in utter amazement as this large herd of deer, over a dozen, ate their grain. The bucks formed a circle around the feeding area, all facing outward. It reminded me of the early pioneers 'circling the wagons'. They stood watch as the young babies, then moms, had their fill. Then, the babies stayed within the circle, but the does took the bucks place and stood guard while the Bucks ate. It was the only time I saw such an obvious cooperation and "plan" by the deer, or any animal since, to actually form a protective circle making sure the women and children fed first, the bucks later. It sounds far fetched, but I swear it was true. It was a sight that would be 'burned' in my memory forever. I had a long, philosophical discussion with one of my Catholic, High school priests during a class in theology about whether animals had souls or the ability to 'think' or reason. He claimed they only acted/reacted as a result of instinct. Oh how I wish I had experienced all my observations before that discussion. There was one dear in the group that would show up, usually sporadically and in small groups, (only once as the large family group) that we called 'grandpa. He was obviously much older and more of a loner. When he had antlers, it basically consisted of one or two small stumps. Nothing like the spikes of yearlings or younger, less mature dear. They were thick, but because he was so old, his "stud" days were well past and he didn't need the large racks of the healthy, more mature bucks. As you will hear in a later post, the old studs of the herds basically travel alone or hang around a distance from the group that he once may have claimed for him alone. The deer weren't always supplied grain, usually only when the winter storms made feeding difficult. But it would seem that whenever we needed a "sign" from God regarding some struggle or time of questioning, the deer would appear as if directed by God to assure us He was near and would care for us as He did the wild creatures. That is why Bucky Lou was called her 'pet' name when I was melancholy over whatever, because the morning we left to induce her delivery, a large group of bucks were there to see us off. I don't remember the specifics, (time or who found it), of this next instance, but we would often hope the deer would drop their antlers outside of the house. That never happened. Except once. I believe this one stump of an antler was found on the threshold of the basement sliding glass door by my father, shortly before he died. If not found by dad, then mom found it after dad died, about a month after Alicia was born. We would never see Grandpa buck again, and knew he left a gift for us as a sign of Gods love for us. When mom and my brother went to Mt. Olivet Cemetery in Denver to make arrangements, 3 deer were at the entrance to the cemetery. We have been to that family plot a "million" times as all my paternal relatives were buried there, before dad. We have NEVER seen any deer anywhere near this cemetery. So we knew that the deer are/were Gods sign to us that all would be OK and He loves us so deeply. I have believed that God uses wildlife frequently, to bring us comfort and love. You will see this evidenced even more in future posts.

Wildlife 'guides'

A few of my old neighbors also moved to this new complex. We were standing around our 'cluster' mailboxes and those already living here told us our first story of what to expect regarding wildlife. Just days prior to my getting all moved in, a mountain lion took down an elk, right at the cluster boxes. We soon had a meeting with the Division of Wildlife to find out if we could be attacked. Basically, he let it be known that it would be wise to get our mail while it was light out. If it would be dark, leave the car headlights on, (only get the mail after dark while in our cars), and keep a large stick with us at all times. We have a healthy mountain lion/cougar population in town, and an over abundance of elk. I have yet to see a mountain lion, but I'm sure the day will come.

After my back surgery I was laid up in bed for a while, and flare ups of fibromyalgia confines me to bed on occasion. I must have the best unit in the whole complex. I can leave my shades up and watch the moon rise over the horizon. When the moon is full, light cascades over the meadow and the peace that washes over me is amazing. Close to miraculous. Day or night, the elk can be seen further up the 'draw', quite a distance west from my building, and only observed while driving in, or getting mail. Because our meadow is a stretch of wetland, they often meander down my way, looking for water and lush grasses. But there is heavy timber and protection at the west end of the property. My first observation of our wildlife were two coyotes. They were obviously a 'couple' and they could be seen playing with each other and waiting for and pouncing on the numerous ground squirrels. My siblings and I are 4th and 5th generation Coloradoans. My paternal grandmother taught in Central City in the early 1900's. Her uncle was the first white man born there. My maternal grandfather was the lawyer to many of Colorado's "first" (prominent) citizens. My mother often spoke of coyotes as being pests and cowards, unless in a pack. They caused a great deal of problems with livestock and horses. So my opinion of them has always been colored rather negatively. But the two outside my window were just cute. Two creatures, seemingly in love, enjoying each others company. I've always enjoyed the young animals witnessed while driving up to our cabin in Big Elk. They were always scampering and playing and just having fun. The "grownups" were always to busy getting plenty to eat so as to be prepared for winter and strong enough to defend themselves and their family. I've seldom seen mature horses or cows romping around their pastures. Only the 'kids'. These two coyotes, though also intent on getting their days meals, always had time to play. One day I noticed they were on the hillside across the meadow and road beyond our area. I took out my binoculars concerned that something didn't look right. One of them barely moved from where she/he was resting. I observed an obvious limp and could tell this partner was hurting badly. The mate wandered around, not going far, looking for food to eat, but they would never be able to make it across the street and to the lush meadow teaming with all the meals they would need. It would be a day or two before a lone coyote would wander in front of my window, alone. Some may call me crazy, but those who know, understand that I had no problem 'reading' the sadness and loneliness of that coyote who would wander the meadow alone from then on. My heart broke for him/her. I would never see a mate with him/her that year. Life is cruel for all God's creatures.

Time warp back to November 2005

For many months many of us living at Pine Knoll have lived in a state of flux. We have been warned that we would most likely be losing our housing.(Senior and handicapped) Many of us have been living in a state of panic wondering where we could possibly find affordable housing up here. Way to many have left town, some had to leave the state. The atmosphere and meetings are filled with the angry and/or depressed. Moving is not only hard on our older and/or weakened bodies, but is so expensive. Like all the others I have put my applications in to the few affordable, assisted units. God has helped me not to panic to much. Maybe I should have been more worried? No, He has taken care of me and looked out for me in a way I never saw coming. I received word that I could get a place at a relatively new complex run by the Loveland Housing Authority and the Estes Park Housing Authority jointly. This place is pristine. I have been packing for probably close to 6 months. The manager of Talons Pointe and director of Estes Park Housing have been to my small one bedroom apartment to "see how I live" and if I would be a good tenant. I moved from a 3 bedroom house, and have been sorting through the families large storage unit for years and the expressions on their faces scare me, but all they see are boxes piled on boxes. I would get a two bedroom unit, but my staying would be contingent on my not living amongst boxes after moving in! I promise I swear. After all, I've been packing!
The papers are signed the end of November. The weather has been unseasonably beautiful and warm for the last few months. Would that hold out for the move? No. It would be Christmas Eve before my final inspection took place, and it has been bitter cold and windy all month. The flight of stairs I am leaving behind have just about 'done me in'. Some friends and the Knights of Columbus helped move the large items, and 3 truck loads of boxes. I have taken carloads of 'stuff' over almost every day and wonder if I will ever be moved in. What better day to officially leave my old apartment and finally settle into the new one. I left from the final inspection and headed straight to Denver to celebrate Christmas with my family. What a relief and break for me. I would be house sitting for my son, and it would be about a month before I was home long enough to start unpacking. At least four pieces of furniture didn't survive or make the move. That's OK, I don't need them, much. The move, especially the lifting and stairs did a "real number" on my knees and back. In February I would have to have back surgery to remove plates and screws placed years ago. At least one screw had been working it's way out of the bone and was constantly irritating a nerve root. Agony, pure and simple.
This was when I would have my first sign that God truly wanted me here, and loved ones 'passed over' were with me. See, "Evidence of wildlife guides".